I have come to realize the root of an anger residing deep inside of me.
There remains this simmering reservoir that when tapped can erupt in a way I never honestly acknowledged.
In my youth, I found these eruptions served as a temporary means of protection from wounds, pains, and literal battles I would inevitably encounter. Much like “Ralphy” in the movie, A Christmas Story, I would explode at the antagonistic target before me.
I recall the day I made a vow with my anger. It was in early elementary school when I was so shy I barely spoke. As such, I was an easy target, and as I sat in the corner by myself playing with building blocks and legos, some kids came around me and began pounding them at my head.
I froze and acted as if nothing was happening – though my eyes swelled with tears of shame, rage, sorrow, and humiliation. These painful emotions were compounding and cascading inside of me. So much so, I can still recall them to this day.
I swore to myself then that I would never allow anything like that to happen to me again. As such, anytime thereafter I ever felt “cornered”, rather than freeze, I would fight. And as a result, it wasn’t long before the bullying stopped.
That’s when I realized my anger worked for me – it aided me. Though, clearly in an unhealthy way. But I didn’t care.
As I grew, this rage simmered down but never went away as it would arise when provoked in some way.
It was a blind spot. Perhaps because it was, as said, always there to help me out of a jam, or win the respect of others like some prize fighter – or so I thought.
I see it now though. I see the agreement I made with this lie long ago. I see the weakness of it. The harm, the lack of peace, and the sadness it brings deep within.
Thankfully, God is truly a good, and patient Father that leaves no stone unturned in healing our hearts – sanctifying His beloved until the end of our days.
As such, I recall the exact moment in my prayers when I felt God speak tenderly to my heart the truth about my anger. He reminded me that He is never “cornered” and that much of my time had been spent living like I was.
When we feel cornered, we push back, we fight, we aren’t operating out of faith, but fear. It’s a feeling and state of living that is limited, anxious, unsettling, and ultimately damaging to ourselves and others.
However, with God, there is liberation, and we are truly never cornered. For He is the Waymaker, and the Chainbreaker, and this truth has been greatly healing to my heart and soul.
Truly it is the “kindness of God that leads to repentance”, as He calms the storms of our hearts, leads us to still waters, and nourishes our souls.
He helps us heal so that we may learn to live life uncornered through our faith, and trust in Him with an overflowing love, and abounding hope – liberated from the spirit of fear, and unrighteousness anger.